Kickball = Kickass
If anybody doubted the degree of my sportiness you could either read for post of Sea Kayaking, and how amazing I am at it. Or you could come to Apollo field and watch me and team SchweatyBalls kick some middle-aged ass on the kickball diamond. Prior to last Monday’s rules and introductions meeting I hadn’t played kickball since 1994, but I found out pretty quickly that something had been missing in my life all these years, and it was kickball. Here is a brief rundown of the rules.
No Bounceys on the pitch – our opposing team last week had a lot of trouble with that one. They were quite quick to point out that we “couldn’t bunt” yet all they did was bounce the ball. Things get tense on the diamond.
No bunting. Again, what’s wrong with small ball?
You either catch the ball for an out, throw them out on base, tag them or paste them as hard as you can below the neck with the ball. Obviously hitting somebody in the face was a dream of mine, but I like winning more and since they get to take a base if hit in the face I have shelved that dream for now. We’ll see how it goes if we are ever majorly down, which I doubt will happen since we kick ass.
Other than that its standard softball rules. 7 innings, no extra innings, 15 run rule after 4 innings, 10 run rule from then on out.
THIS GAME IS AWESOME. All contestants on team SchweatyBalls was in the competitive groove, and some turned in definite all-star performances. We had some amazing diving catches in the outfield and our pitcher was throwing darts the whole time. After winning the first game we tied the second game through 7. Even though the official tally is that we tied the game, we decided to play it out and eventually lost in the 8th. Boo on that.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT AWESOME: Being sore as shit for 5 days after you play kickball. Every player on the team was sore the next day, and it wasn’t from pounding Natty light’s in the parking lot after the game. I had to physically lift my shin onto my quad to cross my legs, I guess that makes me awesome?
LONG STORY SHORT: If there is a kickball league in your town you had better get in the game.
Getting Your Ass Kicked and Not Remembering It
This post is dedicated to you, Gavin DeGraw. You have to either be a real idiot of completely hammered or more than likely both to get a beat down from a GROUP of guys and not remember why. If you haven’t heard about it in the news, here is a recap.
Gavin DeGraw, singer of the One Tree Hill theme song (aka the soundtrack to all Man Pain) and Chariot, got his butt kicked by a group of people he cannot identify and then got RUN OVER BY A CAB. What time do you suppose these event transpired? 4:30am, a time when nothing good happens. I heard on the radio that some person called up and said “a really drunk guy just got beaten up and then hit by a cab”.
“but I sang Chariot, don’t you know who I am?!”
I have very limited expreince when it comes to fights, but in all of them somebody did something that ended with them getting their ass kicked. Whether it be saying something stupid, throwing something, insinuating that somebody’s grandma has self lubrication issues, or calling somebody a midget who prefers alternate sexual lifestyles, something happened that led somebody to pummel your face in.
For his part Gavin DeGraw isn’t playing the woe is me card, and has straight up said he does not remember what happened. To which I respond, No Kidding.
Fantasy Football, How It Owns and My Predictions
That’s right it’s right around the corner. It makes the entire year worth living. I’m not talking about family, friends, work, play, none of the above. I am talking about fantasy football. Your one opportunity to pretend like you know more than any football GM or head coach, and especially more than any of your idiot buddies. There will be shit talk, there will be disgusting team pictures and horrible team names that you would be ashamed to tell your coworkers. There will be friendships lost, trade rapes on a weekly basis and inevitably somebody will get their ass kicked so bad by the trade deadline that they will stop caring as screw up the entire league standings. Personally I am so excited I can’t stand it and I feel like doing a Shiva blast right here in my office. here are 10 predictions for the 2011 NFL season. Let’s see how svengali-esque I can be. After all if Cowherd can post his predictions online pretty much anybody ought to be able to.
1. This season of The League on Fx will be the best one ever. I got screwed by Dish Network last year when they got into a pissing match with Fox and I had to miss the first 2/3 of season 2. Not going to happen this year. Best show on TV and it returns on October 6th. I can’t wait for season2 to come out on DVD so I can watch it over and over and over again.
2. My buddy Lance will make by far the most moves in our fantasy league. He makes at least 5 trades / adds / drops a week. Often times dropping a player only to have him have a huge week, then adding him again when he sucks ass. Hello Stevie Johnson, October/November 2010.
3. Michael Vick and the Eagles will absolutely shred in the NFC East. I’m looking for an average of 220 yards passing and 50 yards rushing and 3 td’s a game out of Vick. Vick will be the top fantasy producer hands down.
4. The top fantasy running back will be………………Jamaal Charles. Risky pick here, but if Thomas Jones gets less of the workload this year Charles will be unstoppable.
5. At WR the person you should draft over any other is Roddy White. I am a believer, the guy is a monster. I give Megatron a close second, but top spot goes to Roddy.
6. Biggest let downs. QB – Matt Schaub. Perennially the “most underrated QB”, not going to do it this year. WR – Larry Fitzgerald. For a million reasons, not the least of which is he is old, has knee issues and is an all around jackass. RB – Arian Foster. It’s only August and that hamstring is hurting. These things tend to linger, just ask Revis and Kenny Britt. Top 10 back, but not number 1.
7. Belichek he mad genius will take Rex Ryan and his band of troubadours down both times during the regular season, and will win the Super Bowl yet again in February. Ocho, Haynesworth, Brady, and the Law Firm. It’s a done deal. Lock it down folks.
8. Matt Stafford throws 30 touchdown passes. I’m going to bet he stays healthy for the season and produces on a huge scale.
9. Kenny Britt only gets arrested once during the regular season. I know it’s a stretch given his penchant for orange jumpsuits and drunk driving but I think he will try his hardest this year. If he only goes to jail once he’ll miss fewer games than he did last year with his injury and will probably be a top 10 receiver given that Hasselbeck is hurling it in TN this year. A Solid Snag (SS) if you can get him in the 5/6th round, risky otherwise.
10. Hans Downerpantz will get dominated by Craven Morehead. You know who you are. There will be no Ricola throat lozenges, lederhosen or long french horns for you this year mon frere.
There you have it. Think I’m a jackass that should keep his opinions to himself? That’s cool, you’re probably at least half right, but put your money where your mouth is and make some predictions of your own. Can’t wait.
Wishing For The Best in Minot
Unless you’ve been living under a rock lately you have probably heard that the Souris River in Minot ND is flooding at record levels.
Since Brian’s family is from Minot originally and some relatives still live there we have been especially glued to this one. It looks like Brian’s Uncle Bob is going to have water to the roof in his house and we will be thinking of him a lot in the coming weeks. Water started going over the emergency levees yesterday afternoon and is not expected to crest until June 30th at levels over 7 feet above previous record levels. 11,000
people have been evacuated from a town with a population of roughly 35,000. It is particularly tough for Minot residents because most do not have flood insurance – which is a separate policy as flooding is considered an “Act of God” and not covered under your homeowner’s policy. In addition to this Minot is experiencing unprecedented growth as the oil capitol of ND and there are literally no hotel rooms to be had. They are in the process of building a new hotel that isn’t even open yet and is booked for 5 years.
When the waters go down Brian will be going out to Minot to help clean up the town and do whatever is needed to help everybody get back on
their feet. In the meantime you can help by texting MINOT to 80888 to make a $10.00 donation to the Salvation Army which will benefit the Minot area. We know times are tough but we just want to show our support for our friends and relatives in Minot. We also know they will come through stronger than before and Minot will soon return to being one of the most thriving towns in the state. Keep the faith Minot, we’re here for you if you need anything!
Ways This Month Was Awesome
So it’s been a while. Unfortunately I have been busy doing all sorts of ownage things and have not had time to blog. I’ll do my best to catch up. The past month has been filled with binge drinking, golf trips, road trips, being a bachelor and getting the summer off to a kick ass start.
We took a 2000 mile road trip to Colorado for my cousin’s HS graduation, which was awesome. Along the way we were super patriotic and stopped at Mt. Rushmore and more importantly, Bear Country USA. When we got to the Black Hills it was rainy and crappy so we weren’t able to do the whole parks thing until the next day. Being as though we had loads of time we swung through Bear Country, and it is definitely classified amongst #thingsthatown. Bear Country USA is a place that PETA would like to see banned. Bears wander around “in the wild” – aka in a fenced Jurassic Park-like area where they eat picinic baskets and climb on your car. I actually had a bear climb onto my trunk, then had a wife tell me I needed to not drive away as I heard bear claws scrape the living crap out of my car. Scratch marks aside it was pretty awesome. Yogi is welcome to hitch a ride on my car anytime he feels like bailing on Jellystone, just so long as he doesn’t think he gets to share the delicious McNuggets in the back seat. The Bug still talks about that one.
The next day we hit up Mt. Rushmore. you’ll be happy to know that I have a pass to visit the park ALL SUMMER!!!! But I can’t share it with you since it has my god forsaken license plate number on it. Leave it to Uncle Sam to prohibit economies of scale on even National Parks entries. We did snag this awesome picture of Lil at the mountain though, which I have now rechristened Mt. Bugmore.
Next Lil and Chil – not of Rugrats fame – headed off to DC while I went on a boys golf trip to Brainerd, MN, We played 3 amazing golf courses, grilled some awesome food, were told that I was ruining the corrupt “hammer the nail in the stump” game at Zorbaz, and went hunting for a strip club that didn’t exist. We also had an epic gambling session that culminated with $100 dice shakes in the backseat of a 5 minute car ride to the bar. Proud to say I wasn’t a part of the car ride dice shakes. I was a bachelor for about a week as part of this trip and realized that being home alone is cool for about as long as an NBA finals game, then it blows. You can only eat so much sesame chicken, tapioca pudding, and buffalo lavosh before you begin to feel like there must be at least a little more to life. For all the bach time I am sad to say my golf game is at pretty much an all time low. If you ever feel like you need $20 give me a buzz and solicit a game. Odds are I’ll just send you a check and skip the golf. My only hope is that I break my other hand before the member guest tournament so I can honorably dip out and save myself the $250 entry fee.
Now it’s back to Brainerd and hopefully returning to witness the greatest choke job ever by the most overrated player in NBA history. LeChoke Blames ought to be frittering away yet another NBA finals just in time for me to close out my 27th year this sunday. I think I should to be thanking Rashard Lewis for this latest go round, but Delonte West still gets honorable mention. Hopefully I’ll be back in touch within a month, but in the meantime keep on ownin.
The Innermost Circle of Hell
Anybody that knows me knows my hatred of Walmart burns deep inside me with the fiery intensity of 1000 suns. That hatred is mostly out of the principle that I think people ought to shop locally, after all I can’t recall I a time when Sam Walton stopped into the local liquor store for a case of Milwaukee’s Best. However sometime you have to do things you despise, and last night at 10:30pm I NEEDED a 5 gallon sports cooler and jello shot cups so to Walmart I went.
It shouldn’t have surprised me but the store was packed. There were enough kids under 4 in the store at that late hour to fill a Jonas Brothers concert. Big atta boy to all those moms and dads. Seeing as though I have no clue where anything is in that store, and I had a pretty good jag on, I had to ask a clerk where the “little plastic sauce cups” are. “What like shot glasses?” was his response. Must have been my eau de Mint Julep cologne I was wearing. Turns out they ran out about a month ago, but I can use these little dixie cups. This is the exact same issue I run into EVERY GODDAMN TIME I MAKE JELLO SHOTS. I hate using those plastic dixie cups. Perhaps if I planned ahead and didn’t decide to go at 11pm the night before I need said jello shots I could shop around a smidge, but as it stands people are getting to have to settle for dixie cups. I found my cooler and off I went to check out.
Turns out there were 4 lanes open, and approximately 400 customers waiting to check out. Hello $1 Trillion market cap. I had to wait in line for 25 minutes to buy a sleeve of dixie cups and a 5 gallon cooler. Ever heard of an express lane? The woman in front of me had 52 ‘Pate Flavor” soup can sized cans of cat food, that she removed from the shrink wrapped plastic cases they were in and had the cashier ring up individually. Swell. Can’t wait to go back!
Why I Will Never Become A Doctor
Aside from the fact that I don’t like looking inside people’s mouths, I hate feet, I have no bedside manner, and I generally find other people’s bodily fluids to be disgusting, I will never become a doctor becasue I hate going to class. When I was in college I thought I could cheat the system and take Tuesday / Thursday classes since I hated spending time in class. All that resulted in was me missing more important, intense classes due to either over-sleeping, day drinking or taking cigarette breaks. I like learning plenty. I love to read. However I despise classroom and webinar learning and I have the 2.51 college GPA proves it.
Today I have spent my entire day taking online courses offered by a trade association we belong to so I can screen out the shitty ones and recommend the good ones for our employees. If I had an exacto knife I would have gouged out my eyeballs hours ago. I have however learned many important industry functions and contractor skills today such as the ability to solder your copper bathroom pipes if you need me to. now not only am I sporty but I am also handy. Take that one, Professor Anderson. I can also tell you how many air changes you need in your house due to the tightness of your “opaque envelope”. Now the workday is just about over and my time in purgatory has come to a close. I can’t help but think of all the great parts of my job that I generally take for granted, and how I get the chance to do them without the irritation of a graduate level education.
So to all you future doctors, lawyers, MBA students and experimental economics professors – I applaud your efforts. You have a gift that I do not have, and that is you have the enviable ability to actually listen to other people while they talk to you. One day I will come to your house and fix your leaking showerhead, after which you can diagnose my mesothelioma for me. That sounds like a fair deal to me.
What Do You Want For Lunch? Little Bangkok Please
I love when my wife asks me this question. Living 10 minutes from home I go home for lunch most days. I love going home for lunch, especially since I save a bunch of money and I get to see my wife and daughter, both of whom I miss during the day. Normally one would assume that the person asking this question intends to prepare something succulent and delicious. However, at our house it generally means “we don’t have that in the fridge, so be sure to pick it up on your way home along with milk and juice.” Today my wife asked me what I wanted for lunch and I explained that I would figure it out when I got home. As she continued to press me for a decision I decided it was better to go out. We ended up at Little Bangkok and since Little Bangkok is definitely amongst #thingsthatown I figured it deserved a shout out on my now frequently viewed web page.
Let me first point out that I love this restaurant and you should eat there. Let me second point out that if you actually want Thai food you should just call me and come to my house for dinner. This place has some sick ownage for sushi and appetizers. My favorite item is the inari, which I could consume until it becomes uncomfortable for my dining partner. I also like the seaweed salad, and their delicious iceberg lettuce salad with creamy ginger dressing. Notice the trend here – Japanese Food. Today I ordered the Rama Thai stir fry dish. It’s chicken with broccoli, spinach and carrots served with rice and dressed with massaman curry and peanut sauce. A little sweet for my tastes, and reminded me that just because you put peanut sauce on food, especially peanut butter sauce, does not make it Thai. That’s like saying because you put chili powder in something it is mexican – bullshit. All complaining aside my meal was great, and it was double great to watch the buggerboodle eat 2 bowls of miso soup, 1 skewer of chicken satay and a bunch of Chilly’s pad thai.
We closed the meal with Lil confiscating my wallet, removing the cash, and giving me back an empty wallet. Who says it is nature over nurture? I know I have seen my wife do this at least a dozen times – which is more times than I have come home and found food prepared for lunch FYI. Long story short – go to Little Bangkok and order sushi, inari, chicken satay, gyoza, or any other appetizer. If you want thai food come to my house or bid on a tasty meal prepared by yours truly and my darling minx of a wife at the Altru Harvest Gala. Until next time.
Men’s Day
Wednesday during the summer is a hallowed day. A day to be celebrated, anticipated and respected. I am talking Men’s day at the GFCC, where I will be teeing off in approximately 165 minutes. here are just a few reasons that golf and Men’s Day make the summer awesome.
1. When you buy 5 beers you get the 6th for free. How generous of you, GFCC! Yes, as a matter of fact I would like to have that extra beer.
2. Beverage cart. The only qualification for the beverage cart position is a good body and the ability to completely burn a drink. I am pretty sure that no driver’s license is required but I can check on that one later.
3. Gambling. I am guaranteed to lose at least $10 today. The Lions will beat the Packers in Lambeau before I win money on the golf course.
4. Buffalo Chicken lavosh. For those of you not from North Dakota, lavosh is a big cracker with melted havarti cheese and whatever toppings you want. In this case it is bleu cheese, buffalo chicken, lettuce, and I think sour cream. There has never existed a better snack before you hop in the car after an afternoon of golf and beer.
5. Last but not least, we have The Birgle. The birgle was conceived last Friday by one Jags Diddley, master of the west wind and occasional cave dweller. It is when a person follows up a birdie with an eagle, hence the birgle. If you achieve this feat everybody owes you $20. I anticipate at least 2 of these today.
Adios suckers, and if you’re a woman or child – I know where I won’t be seeing you for the next 8 hours. Boo yah!
Reasons Why I’m So Sporty, and Why Sea Kayaking is Awesome
If you know anything about the Birgla it’s that I am the sportiest person ever. I excel at most everything I do that involves running, jumping, throwing really heavy objects or chopping down trees faster than a lumber jack with a chainsaw. Most recently I went sea kayaking with my pops. What happened is as follows.
We were in The Whale’s Vagina, or San Diego as it’s referred to in Spain. My dad signed us up to go sea kayaking. He had done this before in South America so naturally he was the expert. He didn’t pack a swim suit or bring flip flops, and brought his digital camera out onto the boat inside his hoodie pocket. No it was not water proof. Yes it got wet. Yes I warned him it would get wet. Yes he was surprised after it got wet. We did manage to get the pictures off the SD card but I’m pretty sure the camera itself is toast.
I chose to wear a wetsuit, which is great since it’s so complimentary to my figure. I chose to wear the “shorty” wet suit. Why? I have no idea. I know that I wasn’t cold wearing the shorty, but seeing as though it offered the same degree of warmth as simply wearing the life jacket and nothing else I am not quite sure why I even bothered. Perhaps because everybody else wore one, and I figured that this crack squad of hvac professionals HAD to know a lot about sea kayaking so I followed their lead.
Now it came time to go out to sea. My dad offered to sit in the back and “do most of the rowing.” That really worked out awesome for me, if by awesome you mean being the one getting blasted in the face with ocean spray like you are the canvas and the ocean is Jackson Pollock. The paddle out was a little bit of a bitch but it was worth it once we got out to the open sea. We were in La Jolla which is famous for its caves. The La Jolla caves are also famous for being the hermit residence of one Jags Diddley, master of the west wind and lord of all that is mode, however due to the enormity of the swells that day on the high seas we were unable to venture inside the caves to say hello. There were lots of sea lions and dolphins to see though which was pretty awesome. I couldn’t help but think that my wife, who actually is athletic, would have really enjoyed the experience.
And then it came time to go back to land. I figured that the hard part was getting out to sea without tipping, but as it turns out it is going back to land that every single person scored a big fat fail on. 15 boats, 13 tip overs, 1 very wet digital camera. Even though we tipped over I like to think we dominated the ocean that fateful day. That would be Goodmans 1, Pacific Ocean 0. Sea kayaking definitely = #thingsthatown. If you ever get a chance I suggest you partake.
